The Walking Dead: Season 5 Starter Kit

The Walking Dead: Season 5 Starter Kit

  *Spoiler Alert: Well, to a degree.* After watching the beginning moments of the closest thing cable television has ever seen to a snuff film (which were 4 men of whom I barely remember from last season), Season 5 of The Walking Dead was underway. The not-so-lucky, but conveniently placed gents naturally had to get it first. Otherwise, there would be rioting and looting in various parts of the country. Hi’s and low’s weren’t exactly the theme, but lots and lots (and lots) of blood. Shit, I think blood deserves a credit here, seeing as how it (the blood) really stepped up the acting chops this time around. I honestly don’t remember there being this much blood in previous seasons. Either way, right out of the gate we have action. To get on with it, Terminus was exactly what we thought it was. A goddamn slaughterhouse. I guess we knew that, but seeing human meat hung in a butcher-shop style fashion for the first time is a little unsettling. I’m still trying to determine if there was some borrowing from the Quentin Tarantino playbook here. Carol pulls off something we only thought Chuck Norris was capable of with her efforts at the Terminus gate. Not to mention Carol’s bottle rocket was so accurate it had to have been an accident. Not sure how she did that, but I wish mine would go that straight and quit hitting the neighbor’s house. I highly doubt she intended for it to be raining walkers, but nonetheless she did ignite the Terminus coup we’ve all been waiting for. We also learned that testing...

Who Gives a F#$k What the Fox Says?

So around the time I started seeing this unbelievable piece of shit with extremely high production value make the rounds on social media in the beginning stages, I couldn’t help but think, “Really? Again?” Not one more tongue-in-cheek attempt by a foreign entertainer to prove that if someothing is marketed and exposed properly, Americans will eat it up. And majority of them will lick the plate (metaphorically, of course) clean. It wasn’t until I heard someone legitimately ask me if I had heard the song until I realized that this was one more music novelty with theme and motif to boot that people have some strange affinity to gravitate towards. I’m sure these Norwegian idiots are laughing all the way to the bank with the licensing (because they minded their business p’s and q’s to capitalize on all this hoopla) with Halloween costumes and anything they can slap a logo or tag line on. I highly doubt you’re unaware of everything mentioned here thus far, but if you are, basically there’s these two Norwegian gentlemen who have a variety show of sorts where they just kind of prank people, hangout, and joke around as the routine for their show. And they’re very much celebrities in their respective country. As for their show, typical foreign day time show that makes absolutely no sense to Americans. No matter, the duo is name Ylvis which phonetically is pronounced Elvis. The nerve of these jamokes. And the gumption of any red-blooded American to ever entertain the idea to use the name of The King for these two blonde headed morons that sound like...
The Law is the Law

The Law is the Law

Not everyone knows that The Walking Dead town of Woodbury isn’t always surrounded by sharpshooters picking off zombies and ran by some jerk off with an eye patch. It is a real place just south of Atlana, Georgia. The town of Senoia to be exact. With a population of 3,307, Senoia has the same small town feel as it does on The Walking Dead. But the most interesting part of this little Georgia town isn’t that it’s typically filled with actors. It’s a law on the books that requires citizens to possess no less than an ounce of marijuana or, well…IT’S ILLEGAL. It seems like when the ordinance (punishable by misdemeanor) was written into the books there was quite possibly a typo or oversight in the editing department. No one has been charged up to date, but there’s really not an urge by local council or the community to change the language. Recently a resident of Senoia challenged the Senoia City Council with a Writ of Mandamus lawsuit to have the law changed. The gentleman challenging the language, which he described as “vague” and “inappropriate”, lost and was ordered to pay around $7,000 by a Superior Court judge for the City of Senoia’s legal fees. He’s currently appealing the ruling to the Supreme Court of Georgia. Just more wasted resources in a time where resources should be reserved for issues that actually matter and pose necessity to our infrastructure and the betterment of society. Whether the law was an accident or intended by the coolest City Council in the history of America, the town isn’t filled with stoners and...

10 Halloween Costumes You’re Going to See Too Much of This Year

It happens every year. You show up to the Halloween party and end up seeing 3-5 people wearing the same costume as you and you feel like a complete moron. Hindsight being 20/20, you would of seen this coming. They all equally feel like idiots and it’s no surprise. Don’t be that person this year. We might not be bringing a ton of costume ideas, but we certainly are saving you in advance from the overplayed ones. 1. Breaking Bad As much as you enjoy the thought of quitting your boring job and becoming a meth-making, murdering psycho, trust us. If you want to slap on a Haz-Mat suit and painters ventilator, knock yourself out. But remember, you’re not going to be alone. 2. What Does the Fox Say To be completely honest, I haven’t even seen the video. I just don’t think I’m a fan of Norwegian humor. But I can tell you there’s still enough people who find this video funny enough to try to force you to watch it, so sure to be at least two of these at the party. 3. Zombie Don’t get me wrong. I love The Walking Dead just as much as the next guy. But the problem with this costume is going to be the half-assed attempted at trying to  be a zombie. If you’re going to do this one, make sure you do it right. Zombie are like snowflakes, you won’t look like anyone else exactly and maybe you can link up and get some thriller dance moves going. 4. Miley Cyrus Rest assured you’re going to see Ms. Miley...

On the Way Out With the Kardashians Courtesy of Kayne

Well, it finally happened. Kayne West has successfully convinced the world he’s as batshit fucking crazy as he, not only wanted us to think, but as he actually is. In an interview with BBC, Kayne West made some grandiose claims such as being a god, a rock star, fashion pioneer of the most ridiculous concept of clothing in the history of fashion, and a ton of other random nonsense that seems to be true to him. The thing about this most recent media encounter isn’t the fact that he sounds like a delusional-schizophrenic-bipolar crazy man. No, he’s just adding to the far fall the Kardashian clan seems to be experiencing at the moment. Let’s just take a quick birds-eye view of how the Kardashian family came to “earn” their success. Mother, Kris Jenner, was married to defense attorney Robert Kardashian who famously represented O.J. Simpson as one of the key members of his legal defense team during his murder trial. Together the ended up having 4 children (Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, and Robert). After the Simpson trial and extramarital affairs, they later divorced and Kris remarried in 1991 to Bruce Jenner. Flash forward to 2007, a sex tape of Kim (circa 2003) leaked at the time when sex tapes were all the rage. In a strange coincidence, E! promptly offered the family a reality show where they would document their lives one scripted day at a time. The show’s immediate success allowed Kris Jenner to become the most successful pimp since Bishop Don “Magic” Juan. The media shitshow, which is the Kardashians, has seemingly started it’s long overdue fall from...

The Pepper

Around the time I moved to Florida, there was a moment I was rocking my game like a pro. I had an incredible bachelor pad with all the fixings to make the ladies crumble. Candles, large framed picture of Audrey Hepburn, a modern feel, just everything that created a wow factor. I had recently met an incredible girl who was a general manager for a high-end restaurant and she worked hard, but certainly played just as hard. She knew what she wanted and wasn’t afraid to go after it. She told me once, “my time is valuable and I’m not in the business of wasting it.” So with this highly touted commodity, I realized that when I had my opportunity to impress her, it was a narrow window that I had to slide through just at the right angle if I wanted to make this work. I started weighing my options for what I could do to implement a strategy and ultimately end up on the right side of her good graces. I had been killing it in the kitchen and thought there was no way for me impress her with a restaurant, since her restaurant was pretty much top-billing for the immediate area. After our next conversation, it turns out I was on target. I asked her what she would like to do for the evening, she claimed, “I honestly don’t give a shit what we do as long as it’s not in a service situation. I don’t want to see a restaurant or bar anywhere near me or I might lose my fucking mind if I do.”...

10 Quotes From Influential Idiots That Will Make Your Phucking Head Spin

I used to think conspiracy theorists were paranoid freaks, but the more and more I think about it, the more and more I find legitimacy in some of their claims. Mostly the claim that Hollywood nonsense is used as a diversion tactic to keep us occupied. But in my case, I’m spending more time trying to figure out how these people don’t accidentally kill themselves before lunch every day. I saw a comment in a thread one time that might be the most profound piece of advice in the history of advice: STOP MAKING STUPID PEOPLE FAMOUS Here is supporting evidence as to why we should very much adhere to the suggestion above. Snooki “I don’t eat friggin’ lobster or anything like that. Because they’re alive when you kill it.” Gwyneth Paltrow “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can.” Jaden Smith “If everyone in the world dropped out of school, we would have a much more intelligent society.” Paris Hilton “I didn’t go to England. I went to London.” Jason Kidd “We’re trying to turn this turn this team around 360 degrees.” Lindsay Lohan “Why is everyone in SUCH a panic about hurricane (i’m calling it Sally)..? Stop projecting negativity! Think positive and pray for peace.” Kim Kardashian “I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She’s 18. And I was like, that’s how I feel.” Kanye West “I won’t go into a big...

10 Reasons Why Russell Wilson is the Whitest Black Guy We Know

Racial stereotypes can often times be a slippery slope. The rest of the time they’re so goddamn funny, sensitivity takes a back seat. In years past, Tiger Woods was considered by many to “not be black enough” (whatever that means) and not represent his African American heritage to the fullest. So, in time, he broke the mold and showed everyone he’s human just like everyone else. Russell Wilson has certainly grabbed the title from Tiger and honors his complete abandonment of all African American stereotypes like a boss. Here are ten reasons why “Tiger Woods Syndrome” should now be known as “Russell Wilson Syndrome”. 10 Reasons Why Russell Wilson is the Whitest Black Guy We Know 1.) He enjoys parsnips as a side dish. 2.) He loves pleated Dockers 3.) He surprised his wife with front row Darius Rucker concert tickets 4.) He purchased every available policy his insurance agent could offer him. 5.) Russell Wilson’s favorite guilty pleasure is Funnel Cakes 6.) He drinks Fresca 7.) He gets his hair cut at MasterCuts and is one punch card punch away from a free haircut 8.) He takes his family for Fro-Yo at least once a week 9.) He loves Estate Sales 10.) Russell Wilson’s favorite show is Duck...

The Truth About How Marijuana Came to Be Illegal

With progressions in marijuana legislation, the future seems extremely bright for a reality where common citizens don’t have to live in the shadows any longer. Since the early 20th century, marijuana has been made to cast a long, dark shadow over those who have any association with it. Many people are unaware at the origins of marijuana criminalization and how it came to be. In 1929, Harry Angslinger, had returned from his international work for more than a decade where he helped curtail the rising drug trade and global trafficking operations. In this time, he helped shape policy surrounding cannabis and other drugs. Some of this policy is still in place to this very day and helped construct the model for other nations’ illegal narcotics policy. Upon his return, Angslinger was appointed as commissioner of the Federal Bureau of Narcotics and immediately got to work. With alcohol prohibition being an apparent failure and destined for repeal, Harry Angslinger saw an opportunity to combine the fear and ideals of a nation to help build the foundation for his vision. With racism still playing a large part in American culture, Angslinger used the notions of many to be the frontrunner in his attempt to demonize anything and everything surrounding marijuana. Aslinger parlayed racism and fear into a tightly wrapped package to deliver his propaganda to the public with the help of William Randolph Hearst. In a collection of files researching incidents related to minorities and marijuana, The Gore Files, some findings were detailed as so by Harry Angslinger: “There are 100,000 total marijuana smokers in the U.S., and most are Negros,...
Lebron James Finally Accepts the Inevitable

Lebron James Finally Accepts the Inevitable

Lebron James debuted a new look in the Philippines at the a Nike Basketball Tour this week by accepting the inevitable. He finally embraced his perpetually receding hairline. Lebron James’ hairline has been on the steady decline since around his rookie year in 2003. By taking the plunge and looking absolutely ridiculous, Lebron James certainly opens the door for people to say he did it to bridge the missing gap between Lebron and Michael Jordan comparisons.  But in reality his headband couldn’t go back any further. Leaving him no choice but pull out the Bic razor and do himself a favor. His PR team thought long and hard before approaching him. One member of his PR and Marketing team was stated as saying, “We didn’t want to hurt his feelings. We used to get a kick out of seeing the progression of his hairline, but at one point it just wasn’t funny anymore. There was really no option, other than making a suggestion and hope he didn’t get upset by it.” Lebron was overheard by one of his staff ranting loudly at his children right before he made the impulsive decision saying, “You think that shit is funny? You gonna look just like me when you get older.” Also, recently Lebron and the Miami Heat have received criticism for his police escort to the Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake concert from the Miami Police Department which he was late for, Miami PD has released a statement in connection with the issue: It’s our understanding that some members of the Miami Police Department were involved in an incident that violated our...

Pin It on Pinterest